Magar kya hua na, yeh picture deekhne ke baad Suchitra behosh ho gayi

Let me explain
I think this is what must have happened.

Bhai was playing a video game in his farmhouse & got totally impressed by all the robots shooting & diving into the air & flexing their muscles, all shirtless & topless & all. Such swag na? A germ of an idea was planted. Duh. Wah kya idea hai sirjee.!

Then somebody dropped the word ISIS with all the worlds’ gravitas – WOW. Imagine that. Bhai saving the world & swag se doing everybody’s swagat to keep up true Indian culture and all. Wah! Too good an idea sirjee.

Since Kabir Khan was busy & couldn’t direct they got the next free person to helm the affairs. The new director ordered all the video games ever created on the planet & watched them till he knew all the manoeuvres & naunces like the back of his hand. Then they also researched big serious things like RAW and ISI that suited their spy genre. Now it was a serious spy movie with patrotism at its core too. Wah too good an idea sirjee! Wah!

In the meantime Bhai & team continued watching several Indian soaps like Nagin for inspiration (to figure out what clicks in the minds of the regressive Indian fantasy genre viewer) along with many 80’s cop & robber films starring Amitabh Bachchan, Sylvester Stallone etc. Now they knew what kind of expressions Bhai had to give in the movie – all cool swag inspired by all of the above. Sometimes Sylvester, sometimes Amitabh. But still there was a problem- what was the story Bhai? I mean in today’s modern times one needs a Story no- I mean if they can make that Padman a superhero – surely Bhai needs to be bigger & swaggier?

In the meantime while waiting for the story to evolve Katrina Kaif got more & more insecure & started injecting her face with all kinds of fillers & materials available since the invention of botox. Her dermat was the happiest of the lot because she could open another cosmetic clinic in Raipur with all the money she earned from Katrina. Katrina also had the added advantage of no longer being required to act- she resembled the original robot in the video game that inspired this movie in the first place.

Then they roped in some more usual suspects which they now decided was a hostage drama. Angad Bedi watched the most of these video games from the actors lot- and so he forgot to be human in his expressions entirely. Not his fault. Blame it on those bloody video games ya.

Then on the first day of the shoot of the movie, India happened to be playing Pakistan in a cricket match in Wankhede . SO they got further inspired and added some Pakistani hostages to the bag of tricks as well along with the Indians.. And some flags. And dollops of jingoism. And international locations – after all has anybody seen Iraq in an Indian movie before? Mindblowing sirjee!

And of course then they decided to add the coup the resistance in the plot , some toxic gas. Yes you heard right. Some highly toxic unnamed gas. Which of course if ‘Ur Da Tiga’ & if you wear a being human flimsy scarf as Bhai does around his mouth & nose even as gallons of the poison are released into the air mere cms from your face, can be fought off without a mask or anything .
Being human is the world’s greatest gas after all.

Do I recommend this movie? Ahem Ahem, that’s a no comment. – However I do recommend that Salman Khan become Prime Minister of India & Pakistan jointly. In a video game that is…


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